James, just reading this ONE sentence (the 4C hair, really?? Tell my Sister, I said -- "He-e-y!" ), I could tell that you are, in fact, trying to do the necessary work, young man!!! I am also ADOS and yes, I use Black, ONLY (note to James, capital "B" vs "b" -- given our lived experiences in America).

I've been married to a "society-identified" white guy for 41 years come this November. We have two wonderful sons, and three grandkids. He'll adamantly state, however that, "he's Italian." But I have to remind him that he & his BECAME white (after being 'Guinea, Dago, Wops', of course) -- and used & loved it, as Mr. James Baldwin so eloquently wrote here: https://bannekerinstitute.fas.harvard.edu/files/bannekerinstitute/files/on_being_white.and_other_lies_baldwin_0.pdf

You wrote, "it is amazing how much our relationship has been challenged over the last 20 years, in big and small ways from the consistent “are you both together?” kinds of questions...

That was a real chuckle. Quiet as it's kept, it's generational (writing about that shit regarding my youngest, sometime soon).

My father-in-law told the husband the same, “she’s not welcome in this house.” shit (the Italians called us, "moulinyans") when we went to upstate NY after being married. His oldest sister welcomed me, and the twins in between did too. We've been close ever since (just came back from one of the twins' funeral as a matter of fact). The parents eventually came around, accepting me & the kids (might as well have, cuz I wasn't goin' any-damned-where).

"My wife, for her part, has never really tried to talk about it. I wonder what she’s thought about it all..."

Me too. If she ever wants to talk, I'm here...